Filling time

A common theme in the media these days seems to be articles where experts tell us how to fill our days. Yes, there have always been review sections in the papers about the best ways to direct our precious leisure time, but now 'Culture' sections are full of long lists of pandemic-appropriate movies, books, TV shows to binge. "Here's our guide to the best time-melting boxsets to watch when boxed in." Perhaps spending leisure time at home has become a lost art? Perhaps during 'normal life' people don't spend much time at home other than sleeping, cooking/eating, and Marie-Kondo-decluttering?

I do remember the mad rush of life  back in the days when I was working full time. Being at home felt like an extension of work - an endless to-do list of half-finished projects. But since moving down here our lives changed quite radically - the kids have no weekend activities and I have more time in the week to work on my to-do lists. Given the increased opportunity, mixed with a certain degree of natural talent, we as a family have become pretty expert at mooching at home. Good training, as it turned out, for the pandemic way of life. 

What I am finding interesting is that it doesn't actually feel as though there is a ton of 'new' time to fill.  Mr Husband's work, if anything, has intensified and he doesn't seem to have a clear demarcation between the work day and evening or week and weekend. So he seems to have even less time for leisure right now. The kids are busy with online school and then they get into their usual mooching - relaxing with screens and toys, calling friends, doing the occasional chore. They have even been playing together - something that seemed to have disappeared - digging out the dressing up clothes, lego, and all that baking together. And for me, new challenges like figuring out food orders take up a surprising amount of time. Plus I just realized that having everyone around in the house all day means that I'm procrastinating less about the jobs I hate to do -  so I'm actually checking off some of those half-finished projects. I guess I'm trying to put on a show of self-discipline and routine, which means that I'm actually becoming more self-disciplined and following a routine at least some days!  

But at weekends there is still a fair amount of mooching around. At first I had all sorts of grand plans that could probably best be described as 'self-improvement'. Read Camus' 'The Plague' in French. Learn to speak Spanish. Teach the children life skills. Write something for real. School the kids in 'film appreciation' - I made lists of classics like It Happened One Night, His Girl Friday, and Rear Window. 

But as it turns out, so far I've been unable to follow through on these plans. I've given up trying to read proper books and settled on crime fiction. Film appreciation was abandoned; instead movie nights have been shlocky '80s and '90s RomComs - Sleepless in Seattle, Notting Hill, Clueless, and ThingTwo and I have been comfort-watching episodes of Agatha Christie's Poirot.

For some reason - perhaps a puritanical hangover of a culturally Christian upbringing - this mooching has been making me feel guilty. Given that I can't be out there on the front lines actually doing something about the virus, I feel I should  be using this time wisely. 

The guilt was getting a little much this week, but then I watched a video that helped a bit where a bunch of BBC Newsnight presenters, politicians, and celebrities talk about how they were 'keeping their spirits up during lockdown'. Some were definitely on the self-improvement track - learning difficult piano pieces, reading big, worthy books, figuring out how to help people. But others had messages I found reassuring like Labour MP Jess Phillips who said, "Don't put too much pressure on yourself. It is important to stick in a routine, but if you feel like you can't and you just want to spend the day on the sofa, you know what? That's ok too." 

I think now that we've sort-of adjusted to this stay-at-home life and, thankfully, haven't as yet had any first-hand contact with the horror of the virus, we can sometimes forget why we might be feeling a bit off, why it can be hard to focus. Why we may need to find solace or indulgence in escapism as a way to cope with reality. In the BBC video, writer Emma Donaghue, author of 'Room', even gives a 'highbrow' explanation for the appeal of the 'lowbrow': "Crime fiction takes our feelings of confusion, panic, and sheer rage, and it shapes them into a satisfying story. It consoles us with the idea that evil is locatable. That, ultimately, after all the questions, one person can be blamed and that justice can be done. So, for me, there's nothing better than a savage murder novel to get me through this particular crisis."

In the course of writing this post I came across a rather beautiful piece of writing by the Australian singer, songwriter, author, and sometimes actor Nick Cave. He has a website called 'The Red Hand Files' where he answers questions from fans. "What are your plans for the corona pandemic? What do you intend to do to fill the time?" asked Alice from Oslo. His reply - I recommend reading it in full - helped me think about this guilt I'm feeling and this idea of needing to 'use this time wisely'. He starts by saying "My response to a crisis has always been to create." But after describing how he brainstormed with his band how he might "write a solo performance.. an isolation album... an online corona diary, an apocalyptic film script... stream a songwriting tutorial, or a cooking programme, etc." he found himself asking "Why is it the time to get creative?... Perhaps, it is a time to pay attention, to be mindful, to be observant."

At first I read this with a certain amount of embarrassment since I have started an online corona diary! I have felt the need to do something a wee bit creative for the first time in years, and have found it extremely invigorating!

 But then I thought maybe all this focus on how to 'fill time' has a common thread - whether we need to re-watch The Wire for the third time, bake, reorganize closets, step back from or step into creativity, or save the world - in exploring how we want to fill our time we are learning about ourselves. Can be rather agonizing, so I think we need to be kind to ourselves and those around us and reserve judgement, just observe. 

Back to Mr. Nick Cave, since he puts it so perfectly:

"When we eventually step clear of this moment we will have discovered things about our leaders, our societal systems, our friends, our enemies and most of all, ourselves. We will know something of our resilience, our capacity for forgiveness, and our mutual vulnerability." 

Filling time.