The entitlement trap
Since the start of the pandemic, people have been wondering what the world will look like when this is all over. I've seen op-eds claiming it could be the end of capitalism, neoliberalism, globalization, for-profit healthcare... Recently (but must have been pre-lockdown when eavesdropping was still possible) I overheard two women talking hopefully about how this might be the end of entitlement.
Entitlement is a big buzz word around here. People marvel at the entitlement of millenials (those born in the '80s and '90s who became young adults in the early 2000s), and worry that their kids are going the same way. But really it is nothing new. We watched the movie 'Clueless' the other night about the narcissistic, entitled Beverly Hills teens of the 1990s, a movie that is based on Jane Austen's Emma from 1815 where "Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her." There is even a quotation going back to Plato's Republic from ~400 BC "The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers." (Turns out this is perhaps more of a modern massaging of the original text rather than a direct translation.)
Silicon Valley certainly has the potential to be a breeding ground for entitled children. For a start there is the extreme wealth. Even our bank sends out 'helpful' articles to its clients with titles such as 'When Should Children Have Access to Their Inheritances?' and 'You Can't Always Get What You Want: Talking With Children About Wealth and Entitlement'. Then there is the extreme focus on academic excellence, with parents doing everything they can to smooth the way for their children to get into the best possible college. I'm not talking about the college admissions bribery scandals that hit the news in recent times, but I've seen evidence just in our local public school system that huge sums are being expended on tutors, private sports coaches, music teachers, debate coaches, and so on, and also through donations to the schools to buy top-of-the-line equipment and offer special programming, after school clubs, and field trips.
Initially when the virus hit the US the main message was that it was a great leveller - that it struck down that haves and have-nots alike. But data is now showing that this just isn't the case. Google is making 'Community Mobility Reports' publicly available based on anonymized data collected from the billions of people around the world running Google apps on their phones. The data is being used to infer mass movement trends over time and is revealing a dramatic delay between when the top and bottom ends of the economic scale went into lockdown. Lockdown is being coined as a 'white collar quarantine' since those in white collar jobs were more easily able to work from home, order food online, and adapt to schools closing. At the even higher end, this Forbes article details the ways the super wealthy are protecting themselves from the virus including expensive immune-boosting IV infusions, hiring private jets and live-in tutors, and buying bejewelled face masks.
I'm not exactly being original in suggesting that the pandemic is going to increase economic and class divides and that the poor are going to suffer more. The pandemic is revealing some ugly holes in the fabric of American society. But it is also bringing people together (not literally!) to figure out how to help the vulnerable, how to help people who have lost their jobs, how to protect healthcare workers. You can't call it socialism in America, but it is something along those lines. It will be interesting to see whether this is a permanent change. When the lockdown eases, when schools go back, will it be back to business as usual? Will our neighbourhood still raise huge sums of money to support already entitled, advantaged children? Or will there a shift to a more supportive egalitarian society?
Yesterday, another rainy day in Silly Valley, was the first day of the kids' spring break holiday. A week off virtual school. It was cleaning day, so seemed like a good opportunity for some entitlement-banishing life skills development.
According to the article from our bank, apparently there are five key ways parents can "create more self-reliant children and sidestep the entitlement trap":
1. provide rewards that aren't material;
2. connect how you spend money with your family's values;
3. have open communication around money;
4. allow children to struggle and problem-solve for themselves; and
5. develop self worth over financial worth.
I enlisted the kids to help clean and they were so bored they didn't even resist. But they did quickly unionize and initiated collective bargaining to ensure adequate working conditions (frequent breaks) and wages (can we choose something on Amazon?). Management, however, stayed firm in adhering to principle #1 from above - there were to be no material rewards. Left to their own devices (principle #4), they did problem-solve and struck a deal whereby they each helped the other clean their rooms. For a brief moment, I felt like the Mum-of-the-century!
Emboldened, I decided we should cut our own hair. I have a portuguese friend who says you should always cut your hair when it is a full moon, so the timing is perfect (full moon is today - it is a supermoon!). Not to brag (though I guess I am), but it actually worked out better than expected! ThingOne wanted just the back and sides done - and several YouTube videos later this is what we ended up doing:
Didn't go quite so well for me - I tried a twisting pony-tail one-cut method that looked so easy in the video, but must have had some hidden nuances. I now have hair of randomly assigned length. Oh well, it is shorter and does feel lighter so mission somewhat accomplished. ThingTwo is a purist and wanted to wait until the exact moment of full moon, so we will tackle her's tonight. She spent the day creating more t-shirt ninja facemasks.
Urgh. As I write this, I realize that perhaps the epitome of entitlement is to revel in the character-building and life-skill learning aspects of a pandemic!
ThingOne just came to talk to me before going to bed. He said, "You've been reading a lot about this pandemic, how long do you think it will last? It isn't that I really mind being home, but I miss seeing my friends. Maybe we will be able to get together with small groups sometime soon?" I didn't really have an answer. I can't really imagine how life will be in a month, two months, six months. I could only try and reassure him that at some point, there will be a new normal, and he will see friends again.
Later, it struck me that, since staying home, both kids have talked a lot about missing friends. Rather than missing or wanting material things, they have been expressing a sense of entitlement about their childhoods, feeling they inherently deserve to play, interact, hang out. I can't really argue with that. This pandemic may not bring about an end to entitlement, but it has certainly changed the parameters.
Entitlement is a big buzz word around here. People marvel at the entitlement of millenials (those born in the '80s and '90s who became young adults in the early 2000s), and worry that their kids are going the same way. But really it is nothing new. We watched the movie 'Clueless' the other night about the narcissistic, entitled Beverly Hills teens of the 1990s, a movie that is based on Jane Austen's Emma from 1815 where "Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her." There is even a quotation going back to Plato's Republic from ~400 BC "The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers." (Turns out this is perhaps more of a modern massaging of the original text rather than a direct translation.)
Silicon Valley certainly has the potential to be a breeding ground for entitled children. For a start there is the extreme wealth. Even our bank sends out 'helpful' articles to its clients with titles such as 'When Should Children Have Access to Their Inheritances?' and 'You Can't Always Get What You Want: Talking With Children About Wealth and Entitlement'. Then there is the extreme focus on academic excellence, with parents doing everything they can to smooth the way for their children to get into the best possible college. I'm not talking about the college admissions bribery scandals that hit the news in recent times, but I've seen evidence just in our local public school system that huge sums are being expended on tutors, private sports coaches, music teachers, debate coaches, and so on, and also through donations to the schools to buy top-of-the-line equipment and offer special programming, after school clubs, and field trips.
Initially when the virus hit the US the main message was that it was a great leveller - that it struck down that haves and have-nots alike. But data is now showing that this just isn't the case. Google is making 'Community Mobility Reports' publicly available based on anonymized data collected from the billions of people around the world running Google apps on their phones. The data is being used to infer mass movement trends over time and is revealing a dramatic delay between when the top and bottom ends of the economic scale went into lockdown. Lockdown is being coined as a 'white collar quarantine' since those in white collar jobs were more easily able to work from home, order food online, and adapt to schools closing. At the even higher end, this Forbes article details the ways the super wealthy are protecting themselves from the virus including expensive immune-boosting IV infusions, hiring private jets and live-in tutors, and buying bejewelled face masks.
I'm not exactly being original in suggesting that the pandemic is going to increase economic and class divides and that the poor are going to suffer more. The pandemic is revealing some ugly holes in the fabric of American society. But it is also bringing people together (not literally!) to figure out how to help the vulnerable, how to help people who have lost their jobs, how to protect healthcare workers. You can't call it socialism in America, but it is something along those lines. It will be interesting to see whether this is a permanent change. When the lockdown eases, when schools go back, will it be back to business as usual? Will our neighbourhood still raise huge sums of money to support already entitled, advantaged children? Or will there a shift to a more supportive egalitarian society?
Yesterday, another rainy day in Silly Valley, was the first day of the kids' spring break holiday. A week off virtual school. It was cleaning day, so seemed like a good opportunity for some entitlement-banishing life skills development.
According to the article from our bank, apparently there are five key ways parents can "create more self-reliant children and sidestep the entitlement trap":
1. provide rewards that aren't material;
2. connect how you spend money with your family's values;
3. have open communication around money;
4. allow children to struggle and problem-solve for themselves; and
5. develop self worth over financial worth.
I enlisted the kids to help clean and they were so bored they didn't even resist. But they did quickly unionize and initiated collective bargaining to ensure adequate working conditions (frequent breaks) and wages (can we choose something on Amazon?). Management, however, stayed firm in adhering to principle #1 from above - there were to be no material rewards. Left to their own devices (principle #4), they did problem-solve and struck a deal whereby they each helped the other clean their rooms. For a brief moment, I felt like the Mum-of-the-century!
Emboldened, I decided we should cut our own hair. I have a portuguese friend who says you should always cut your hair when it is a full moon, so the timing is perfect (full moon is today - it is a supermoon!). Not to brag (though I guess I am), but it actually worked out better than expected! ThingOne wanted just the back and sides done - and several YouTube videos later this is what we ended up doing:
 |
| Before |
 |
| After |
Urgh. As I write this, I realize that perhaps the epitome of entitlement is to revel in the character-building and life-skill learning aspects of a pandemic!
ThingOne just came to talk to me before going to bed. He said, "You've been reading a lot about this pandemic, how long do you think it will last? It isn't that I really mind being home, but I miss seeing my friends. Maybe we will be able to get together with small groups sometime soon?" I didn't really have an answer. I can't really imagine how life will be in a month, two months, six months. I could only try and reassure him that at some point, there will be a new normal, and he will see friends again.
Later, it struck me that, since staying home, both kids have talked a lot about missing friends. Rather than missing or wanting material things, they have been expressing a sense of entitlement about their childhoods, feeling they inherently deserve to play, interact, hang out. I can't really argue with that. This pandemic may not bring about an end to entitlement, but it has certainly changed the parameters.
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